Marriage seems so fun and exciting when you’re heading towards it. But, we all soon come to realize the difficulties that arise when merging our life with another person. I’ve been married for three years, and I know you might be laughing at me for not understanding how hard marriage can get, but the tips I’m about to share come from all the trials we’ve encountered and the tried and true advice veteran couples have taught us. I wrote this guide to take all the advice I’ve gotten and help you to improve your marriage!
No More 50/50
Also, no more of this “happy wife, happy life” nonsense. What I’ve discovered from these two catchy terms is that someone is expecting something from the marriage. The wife is expecting to always be made happy by the husband in order for both their lives to be happy. While someone in the marriage is only giving 50% while expecting the other person to pick up the other 50%.
We believe in the 100/100 model, which we believe correlates best with what the Bible teaches us about love. 1 Corinthian 13:4-8 gives us a clear definition of what love is. On that list I see things like “not self-seeking”, “patient”, “kind”, “keeps no record of wrongs”. The list goes on.
We see love in it’s greatest form through Jesus dying on the cross for people who didn’t even like him. But he saved them nonetheless. What we’ve learnt from this is the sheer fact that true love in a successful marriage is not an expectant love, but rather a sacrificial love. I give my husband 100%. I serve him wholeheartedly and think of him and his needs often. And thankfully, he returns 100% back to me, but I don’t expect it from him.
Of course when your husband or wife is purposely hurting you, or being sinful towards you, that is a conversation that must be had. But in my experience, in the moments where my husband is not always thinking of me, me giving 100% always makes him think more about me.
Set Clear Roles
The biggest arguments I hear about are “he doesn’t do the dishes” or “she doesn’t want to make the dinner even though I made it yesterday” or even “why should I pick up after him, he’s a grown man?”. I’ll say this now, we’ve never had an argument like this. I’m not trying to toot my own horn or anything, it’s a mere result of us following this tip.
I always felt that the calling of a woman was to care for her home and nurture it. I never had an ambition to work a career in an office, but rather to prioritize my home and help it thrive while making some money on the side to support us. So, I knew going into the relationship that I would take on all the house chores. In our marriage counselling, we actually wrote out every single task that each of us would be responsible doing. This was super helpful because there is never any argument because we know what our jobs are.
When it comes to a 100/100 marriage, you happily bleed into each others spaces. On hard days, my husband might take the opportunity to wash the dishes to give me a break, or I might bring the trash out to not interrupt his work flow. But I never expect him to do the dishes, nor does he ever expect me to do the outdoor chores. But what a treat when we help each other!
Have Guidance / Mentors
Sometimes issues arise that we can’t simply solve on our own. And let me tell you ladies, gossiping about how annoying and awful your husband is is not getting guidance from a friend nor will it help improve your marriage. Having a couple you look up to and trust is the best way to do it. Having them there as a mediator through your issues can diffuse situations that might blow up were you alone. It also helps to give guidance from outside perspectives. Me constantly telling my husband that he’s [insert bad quality here] will most likely not change it, but hearing it from someone else might make a big difference.
Set Clear Goals
The phrase “unequally yoked” we see in 2 Corinthians 6:14, though is referring to believers and unbelievers, I feel can also work for other things. For instance, if you desperately want a baby, but your boyfriend doesn’t, it could lead to a lot of heartbreak and hardship if you commit only to find out that they never did change their mind on the subject.
In a marriage, we obviously can’t just pick up and go when things don’t quite match up. But this is why it’s so important. As a married couple, what are your goals together? Where is your life headed towards? If one person wants to become a CEO and travel the world while the other person wants to settle down with four kids and start a family farm business, you can imagine the difficulties that would arise. Rather than living as roommates with our own individual goals, it’s so important to work as a team towards a big and exciting dream together and I’m sure it will help improve your marriage!
My husband and I see the benefits of this. We both discovered our dream for farming and having a big family, and that’s what brought us together. Now three years in, we’re working hard as teammates to reach this amazing goal we have set before us. We’re more unified this way.
Talk About Everything, Even If It Doesn’t Matter
This was the biggest tip I got to hopefully help you improve your marriage. Has anyone else ever felt just a little weird about something that happened between you and your spouse, but thought it wasn’t a big deal? Only for it to come back up in an argument a few weeks later?
Imagine you have a bitterness box inside of your heart towards your husband. Every time a tiny little thing happens where you felt weird, it gets added to your bitterness box. Sure it was only a small thing, but after 100 small things, you’re constantly yelling at each other and then suddenly he’s sleeping on the couch. It may not seem like a big deal, but the constant build up of things you’re mad about only leaves to destruction in a marriage. Even just the smallest talks will help improve your marriage.
Work On Yourself To Be Better
I constantly hear women talking badly about their husbands behind their back. Painting him as the immature, disrespectful one. Well let me tell you ladies, you’re not perfect either. I wish I had a dollar for every time a woman really needed to hear that.
Stop talking about how much stuff your husband needs to work on while neglecting everything you should have been working on. The key to a working marriage is if both sides are working on it. There are things we all have gone through, and vices we carry into our relationships. We can’t stand on a pedestal and claim that we’re perfect and have it all figured out. We should be working on ourselves everyday to be the best wife we can be for our husbands.
Actually Talk To Each Other
Listen. Netflix is not quality time, nor will it help improve your marriage. It can be fun, for sure, but that isn’t the way you grow closer with your husband. We live in a culture where everything is competing for our attention. Friends, family, our jobs, our kids, social media, ads, etc. We need to prioritize actual quality time with our husbands because, honestly, it’s probably already hard to get much out of him. Men, in general, aren’t wired to freely and easily talk about their feelings like women are. We don’t need to force him to express all he’s feeling, just a small convo will do. Don’t miss out on these crucial moments of building with your husband.
Infinite Grace
In other words: stop nagging! Women are the WORST with this, this in no way will improve your marraige! There is a difference between asking your husband to do something and nagging. Nagging comes with an already annoyed, angry and unloving tone. You’ve already lost patience with your husband and you think that repeatedly telling him to do something (or reminding him of his apparent incompetence) will magically make him “happily” do what you wanted him to do. Doesn’t that sound silly?
God calls women to be quiet and humble spirits. Obviously not to shut up and say nothing, but to have the tone of quietness and gentleness. Here is my MAJOR tip for you, sister, when it comes to wanting your husband to do something. Always ask him as if it’s the first time.
“Hey babe, is it okay if you take the trash out?” If he doesn’t do it, ask it again with the same kindness and innocence in your voice a little while later. “Hey baby, the trash is full. Is it okay if you take it out before bed?”
Too often I hear women ask with a slight dig at their husband. For example: “Hey babe, I asked you an hour ago to take the trash out and you didn’t. Can you do it please.” You’re treating your husband as a child. You’re “teaching” him how to listen and obey you by reminding him of his shortcomings. Somehow your relationship went from husband and wife to mom and son, and it’s not even his fault.
Listen, our husbands might forget and need to be reminded, but the way to make that better isn’t to berate him and treat him like a child. Honestly, our husbands are super gracious towards us because they could berate us and make us feel disrespected but I’m sure they know we can’t handle it.
Listen. I’m not saying it’s all your fault, sister. The marriage isn’t falling a part because of you. But, that isn’t to say there isn’t still a lot you can do to be better and help improve your marriage. Sure, there are a lot of things your husband might need to work on, but this post isn’t for him. It’s for you.
God-speed!
P.S. Want a little mom glow up as a treat for you and your husband? Here’s my mom glow up routine that changed how I feel about myself and made me motivated to conquer my days!
Photos taken by @tristankyro